Being Honest About Our Pain In A Crisis

My wife and I have been grandson-sitting for 2 year old Liam the past five days while his parents are out of town. So of course we have a lot of fun, play many games and read scores of books. And while we don't expect him to be some sort of super-kid, we do see him eager to learn, picking up a lot of facts, trying to count and the like.

So periodically we'll ask him what color something is. However, he's clearly not distinguishing them yet and at this point always says, "green." No problem though - that's what two-year-olds do. However, hurting people can also sound like our little grandson when asked what color they are. I'm referring to when people ask them about how they are doing or there is an opportunity for them to be real and honest with people who truly care.

Their version of green is to simply suggest they are fine, don't need anything or are much better. They feel like they must climb their mountain alone, stay anonymous about their pain and avoid anyone else's help.

Let me suggest a couple of reasons why we need to be real when we're in a painful crisis. First, we will have more resources to live life if we allow others to help. We're not only dealing with our struggle but we have to do the everyday things too - work, parent, shop, whatever.

Second, we give others the reward of helping us. When we won't be helped we actually steal from the healing and comfort others might receive by assisting in our time of need.

Third, we learn humility that will help us in other areas of life. I remember when my wife Jackie had cancer we had scores of people come to our aid. However, we had been in pastoral ministry for many years and were mostly used to helping others not being helped. God gave us an extra and needed measure of humility when we started to let others walk beside us.  And we certainly became more understanding when others were going through a similar journey.

So, whatever your struggle and no matter how high your mountain let some fellow climbers join you on your journey. Don't tell people you're just green all the time. Be honest when you can, share your hurts, hard times and disappointments. Because as Kermit the Frog often says, It's not easy being green.

Words: Three Things NOT To Say To A Hurting Person

Most people mean well when they encounter others climbing personal mountains and facing challenging times. We so badly want their pain to go away and for things to be better soon. Unfortunately, their mountains are often large, looming and unwilling to budge. The people we want to help the most may have a long climb ahead of them even with the best efforts to assist coming from us and others.

So we have to be careful that we don't just spout off some innocuous or unhelpful platitudes that in the end can add to their hurt and discouragement rather than be beneficial.

Let me suggest three of those statements that are common but that we must also avoid.

First don't say, "Things will get better soon."  They might improve, we can pray that they do, but there are no guarantees. The person or family may actually have a long journey before them. Don't try to somehow pretend that they don't.

Second, avoid speaking for God. There are certainly biblical and godly truths that can be appropriate down the road but be careful not to make suggestions that you know what God is thinking at the moment. For example, when people lose a loved one, some have said, "Well, God needed Jason in Heaven more than He needed him here."  Really? God never said that as far as I know.

And don't imply that God somehow caused their problems to teach them a lesson. We don't know that either.

Third, never suggest that you really understand their situation. No you don't. You may be able to identify with the person in some way and sharing that at some point can be appropriate. But we will never totally understand what they are going through. Their journey is unique.

What's the best thing we can do, especially quite soon after a tragedy or challenge has hit someone?  Listen. Listen to their story, their fears and their feelings. I was in Bastrop, Texas a few days ago just talking to and praying with people who had lost so much in major brush fires. One lady said it all . . . "It's just good to be able to talk about it."  Usually when it comes to our words to a hurting person less is more.