The Black Holes That Tend to Defeat Us

I'm not much of a scientist. Ok, I'm not at all a scientist. I hated biology, struggled with chemistry and almost failed physics. But I have heard of black holes in space. And while I'm sure they are complicated essentially their strong gravitational pull drags everything around them into them. In fact the term black hole is now used in everyday language to describe anything that continually consumes resources, time or energy.

Unfortunately, there are lots of everyday black holes in life that particularly hinder those of us who are climbing, climbing our own personal mountains, trying to overcome big-time challenges and the like.

Let me suggest a few as a warning and to perhaps help you separate yourself from one or more that are holding you back.

There is the black hole of your past. The things that were said about you, the disappointments you had, the goals you never reached or the failures you experienced. They  have a way of sucking the life out of us so that we never try anything, stay stuck in a dead end job or continually just dull our pain.

There is the black hole of denial.  There are things you need to face, deal with, change and admit but you keep looking the other way never wanting to face your own culpability, weaknesses and flaws.

There is the black hole of blame. In your denial, you spend much of your time blaming other people.  If only they hadn't acted or spoken a certain way your life would be so much different. And maybe that's true but your continued blame of them has you paralyzed. There are things you could do, make better and change about your thinking but your focus on others keeps you stuck.

There is the black hold of comfort. Changing, improving, overcoming and getting to the summit all require work and you're pretty comfortable where you are. You're like the people who stop at the chalet going up the mountain to have some hot chocolate and rest. The problem is they like it there so much they quit climbing and never go any further.

Do you see the problem with black holes?  They are the kind of thing that keep sucking life, energy, hope and peace out of us. Maybe you have different ones than those I've described. Face them and then destroy them. They have no right to run your life or stop your progress. Ask God to give you insight, wisdom and strength to keep going.

The black holes in space are probably there to stay but yours can be gone if you'll just demand it.

Updating Your Attitude App

If you own a smartphone with applications on it you know that quite often a message comes telling you the app needs an update. Sometimes it's just a small thing, other times it involves a pretty significant change.  Nonetheless, if those apps never get tweaked they will become old, outdated and ineffective.

In the same way, we climbers will need our attitudes updated from time to time if we're going to continue overcoming and making it up our personal mountain. Why?  Because life, hard climbing,  and challenges take their toll on our attitudes. They can slowly cause our inner person to deteriorate without us even noticing.

For example, we can become complacent and just not want to try as hard. Or we get discouraged and simply want to quit. Or we're thinking so far ahead about all we may face that we have little energy left to deal with what we are facing right now.  We can forget to be thankful because we're overwhelmed by the hardships we encounter every day and substitute anger or bitterness instead.

We can become bitter because the climb seems to never end.

So how do we update our apps . . . I mean attitudes?  First, we need to get around more positive people.  No, not mere blue sky painters but people who will help us regain our perspective and see our blind spots.

Second, we need to regularly take inventory of how we are blessed. Start thanking God for everyday things that you still have even though you're facing a major challenge right now.

Third, go serve someone else. If you're a cancer patient go sit or ride with someone else going through cancer treatments too. Get you eyes off of you and onto them for awhile.

Or, talk to someone about it, a counselor, pastor, friend or mentor. Let them shed some light on where you are and how you might change your thinking in other ways.

I don't know about you, but the apps on my phone are changing all the time. It's normal and OK. So don't be afraid to do regular updates on your attitudes. They usually affect everything.

Hurting People Often Just Need a Friend

This last week my wife and I were at our daughter's home helping watch her kids while she and her husband oversaw their move to a new house. Sometime during the weekend I was sitting by myself when my three and a half year old grandson, Liam, came up to me and said, "Do you need a friend to play with?"

I wonder how many hurting people all around us just need a friend to play with, someone to listen, to just be there, pray with them or share their hurt for a while.

My hunch is that those people are everywhere . . . in the coffee shop, at work, school, in the seat nearby us at church and in our neighborhood. Of course, we can't be there for all of them but maybe we can hone in or be available for just one. And maybe we don't even become their friend but just act like one for a short time.

In an ideal world, that person would be someone whose journey is similar to one you've made. You've had the cancer, the divorce, the struggling child or the three kids under three. You can't solve their problem or make it go away but you can tell them that there is hope up the trail because you've been there. You can be proof positive that someone can actually make it down the difficult road they are walking.

But we can also help and come alongside someone without having travelled their road. Sometimes we start the process best by just listening, engaging for a moment before rushing away to our next responsibility. Other times God might prompt you to think about someone you've not even thought about for some time. You'll need some margin in your life.

It really doesn't matter how you enter in to being the friend of a hurting person. The point is that you just do it. But you'll have to slow down some and be more aware. You will have to put yourself in places where that kind of connection can actually take place. You will have to change your thinking some about what things are most important in life.

But my sense is that once you do it a few times, you'll wonder why you've waited so long. In fact, you might just discover that those interludes are the kinds of moments you've been waiting for and that you've never felt more alive.

The Will To LIve Is Powerful When We're Hurting

This past week or so a man apparently spent a cold, wet night in the treacherous waters off of the Alaskan coast.  All he had was a survival suit and a small raft or boat. It had to be the worst night of his life. He was stranded for well over twenty-four hours. But he made it. He survived but he needed some will power, a reason to live.

You may be in your own storm waters right now and feeling like it would be easier to just give up. Don't. There are reasons to keep going.  First of all, your family needs you.  You may not think so but they do. Many survivors tell stories of thinking the whole time they are struggling thinking about the day they see their spouse or kids again. Do the same thing. They matter and would miss you terribly if you're not around.

Second, God still has a purpose for you. Yes, even if your life a mess and your capabilities have dwindled you still have a purpose for being here. There are people only you can help or get to know. Your life experiences may be what they need to help them get up the trail or to the shore. I met a woman recently who had lost both of her legs below the knee because of health problems that led to gangrene.

But she is anticipating and talking about volunteering in the very hospital where she has been going through rehab.  There is no one better than her to help someone else who may have a similar journey ahead of them.

Third, you gain strength and energy from giving your best. The more you fight, the more you serve others, the more you determine not to quit the more power you will gain to live well, to make a difference and to fully live life the way it was intended.  This hard time is molding you and scraping off the rough edges.  Don't miss out on the moments you have ahead of you to be stronger than ever, at least emotionally and as a person if not physically.

So, remember, if you feel like you're in the middle of an ocean or mountain storm, determine to go on. Call on your God, your faith and your deepest of personal strength to persevere.  It will be worth it.

Watch Out For Loose Rock When Life Climbing

If you've done any hiking or climbing in certain parts of the Colorado Rockies, you know that loose rock or what is called scree, talus or just rotten rock can abound. It's difficult and dangerous. From feeling like you are taking two steps back for every three forward to literally hurling down a mountain to one's death on it, this common hazard in the mountains is not to be taken lightly.

We were just in Aspen this summer and did some hiking up by the Maroon Bells. Interestingly there is a sign near the beginning of the summit trails that warns hikers and climbers that these peaks are extremely dangerous. One of the reasons is the bad rock that can get people into places they can't get safely down from later.

And while it's also found in numerous other climbing spots in varying forms, there can be loose rock in our life climbing too, situations that can cause us great pain and injury if we don't avoid them. Let me suggest a few.

Making decisions too soon after a death or other loss. Many people want to soothe their pain and think that a new relationship, move to a different home or job change will make them feel better. While there are a few exceptions those big decisions too early often lead to greater heartache and an avoidance of truly dealing with one's grief.

Turning a pleasure or normal action into an addiction. Another form of painkilling is when in our pain we decide to drink more, buy more, work more, study more or whatever more. While these things, not necessarily bad in and of themselves, can help us feel better for a while, they too can be destructive to us and our family. They take us away from the things that would help us most to move on in healthy ways.

Not letting others help us on our journey. Climbers will usually tell you that climbing alone is filled with dangerous possibilities. The same is true in life. The whole world doesn't need to know every particle of our emotional journey but someone does, someone other than another hurting person in our home or family who has little left in their tank. Instead, find a counselor, pastor, friend, group or mentor who will walk with you for a time. Their listening ear and perspectives will help you keep your eyes on the trail and avoid some of the other rotten rock you might encounter.

So climb on. The best way to avoid loose rock is to not go near it in the first place.

Sometimes a Next Right Step is Better Than A Big One

I was watching the U.S. Open for golf recently and heard commentator Johnny Miller say this when one of the pros was in a particularly difficult spot:  When you get in trouble just get out of trouble.  His point was that sometimes when a golfer hits a really bad shot he or she tries to then hit a spectacular one to make up for the loss. And often the results are worse.

The same is true in life climbing. We may run into a major snag on our journey, one caused by our own miss-hit, life in general or someone else's actions. It doesn't matter what the cause is. It's usually best to simply do what will get us out of the current trouble and not try to fix everything all at once.

Perhaps our health got worse, our marriage didn't improve, we got laid off instead of just a pay-reduction or our child rebelled even more rather than return home. It's tempting to overreact and do way too much when that happens rather than take a logical next, but perhaps less ambitious, step.

There are several bad outcomes if we don't heed Johnny Miller's advice.  First of all, we will probably hurt other people. Our desperation to fix the problem in a big way or to solve everything now usually initiates a lot of pressure on others as we demand that things get better. As a result we speak harshly or act inappropriately towards those who have been there for us all along.

Second, we can make our situation worse. Like the golfer whose shot into the woods next lands in a sand trap, our lack of patience can cause our world and the world of those around us to become even messier, not better. Our health declines, we spend too much money, we ruin a relationship or whatever because we thought we could fix everything now. It rarely works.

Third, we can hinder future options that could ultimately help us. Sometimes we just need to get out of the current trouble by focusing only on what just happened and how to take one small step toward a solution.

If you're in an out of bounds situation on your journey, focus only on what will help you get back to normal, back to safety and health.  You don't have to have a major jump forward here to keep all the momentum going. Just get from out of bounds onto the fairway. Hit a short, easy shot that will set you up for success and future growth.

A little trouble now can ward off a lot of trouble and struggle later.

Don't Run From Your Pain . . . It Sometimes Helps

I recently endured two somewhat painful procedures. One was to remove some melanoma from my scalp. The second was to have a wisdom tooth extracted. While not equal to that of childbirth (though at times I wondered), each event resulted in some significant pain that I would have rather skipped, thank you.

However, both doctors involved reminded me right up front that to avoid this pain meant that I would likely incur far greater hurt, discomfort or, in the case of the melanoma, even death later on. And when my doctor uses the word fatal in one of our discussions I listen!

I know that at other times in life I've also wished I could have avoided all sorts of relational or emotional pain as well. Struggles with family, friends, coworkers, for example. Difficult situations with my children or a close acquaintance have all brought their share of pain.

And while there is nothing wrong with trying to lower our pain at times, like taking medication for a migraine, we need to sometimes embrace and accept some of our less controllable pain as potentially helpful and able to make us grow beyond where we might have gone without it. Why?

Pain helps us understand the pain of others better.  So often we're called on to be there for someone else and many times we really don't know what they're going through. As a result we say too much, do unhelpful things and trivialize their struggle.

Pain can teach us to receive help from others.  When my wife Jackie went through her cancer we received food, rides and many other gracious touches that we were almost embarrassed to need. But our weakness actually gave other people the opportunity to be blessed and to serve us. Our humility grew.

Pain can remind us that we often put too much worth on our comforts and easy lifestyles.  As a result we get inward-focused, we leave God and faith out of our life for the most part and miss seeing the needs of others around us.

So while I hope you can find some relief for your current challenges, I also encourage you to use these times for good - to open your eyes, give you new appreciation for what you have and to be a better friend and companion. Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional.  Tim Hansel

Living in Fantasyland Won't Get You Over The Mountain

Did you hear about the high school girl who went to prom with Tim Tebow?  Well, actually she went with a life-size cardboard cutout of him. Yes, that's right. Her dream, like so many girls, was that he would actually go to the dance with her but of course she never heard back from her letter of invitation.

So she finally decided she would go with him anyway - sort of.

And while you have to admire her determination and willingness to look a bit weird, she never really went with Mr. Tebow. It was still only a dream.

Often when people are facing challenges or dreams that don't work out they spend a lot of time dulling their pain living in a fantasy world. Some of those fantasies aren't that big of a deal, but many are at best unwise and some are at worst destructive.

The obvious painkillers are drugs, alcohol, and illicit sex, but there are many less socially unacceptable ones - work harder, control more, make more money, and the like. The additional problem is that when people take the route of just dulling their pain they become cardboard cutouts themselves and miss the blessings that will come when they live life again as real people.

Yes, sometimes taking hard steps is challenging but it's worth it. It may take time and your time to heal and move on can be different from other people's process. That's OK and normal.

Are you dulling your pain and living a cardboard, fantasy-filled life?  What are you missing out on?  And who is missing out on you? Chances are your family members are longing to have the real you back. So why not start today and come back as the authentic person you know you can be. Pain isn't always easy to face but it's a daily reminder that you're still alive!

Hurts From Our Past Can Surprise Us, But Don't Panic

Years ago my mother-in-law was in a bad car accident. The woman in the other car actually died while my mother-in-law hit the windshield of her car. This was in the days when seat belts weren't even an idea. Thankfully Joyce lived and wasn't maimed for life but she did go to the hospital where they had to pull shards of glass out of her face.

However, she has said numerous times that years later a piece of glass that was buried where no one could see it would work its way to the surface of her skin. And it was painful! It didn't cause any further damage but it was a reminder of the accident and caused some temporary pain that she had not planned on.

In the same way, we can find hurts of our past that rise to the surface when we least expect them. An event, a song, a holiday or some other memory or event can shoot some unplanned and certainly undesired pain into our world where we though we had healed.

The bad news is that we'll have to re-live some of our past for a moment, day or season. The good news is that like my mother-in-law's glass shard that reappeared it won't kill us or do major damage. We have to accept it, face it, work through it and then move on knowing we'll be OK.

Suggestions: Don't panic. Keep it in perspective and understand that it's just a little hurt that happens to others during hard times like we've been through. Talk to someone. While it isn't likely a big deal, our minds can get the best of us and make us think it is. So work through it with another set of eyes and listening ear.

Pray. God knows all about the deepest places in our souls and has not missed this most recent resurfacing of our past. He can help you to bring the important healthy and healing perspective you need at the moment.

Finally, keep moving. One little piece of glass has no right to stop or paralyze you. So do what you need to do, keep living life and soon the pain will subside. You're not going crazy and this too shall pass. You're still climbing, remember, and the view from the top is worth it!