Hurting People Often Just Need a Friend

This last week my wife and I were at our daughter's home helping watch her kids while she and her husband oversaw their move to a new house. Sometime during the weekend I was sitting by myself when my three and a half year old grandson, Liam, came up to me and said, "Do you need a friend to play with?"

I wonder how many hurting people all around us just need a friend to play with, someone to listen, to just be there, pray with them or share their hurt for a while.

My hunch is that those people are everywhere . . . in the coffee shop, at work, school, in the seat nearby us at church and in our neighborhood. Of course, we can't be there for all of them but maybe we can hone in or be available for just one. And maybe we don't even become their friend but just act like one for a short time.

In an ideal world, that person would be someone whose journey is similar to one you've made. You've had the cancer, the divorce, the struggling child or the three kids under three. You can't solve their problem or make it go away but you can tell them that there is hope up the trail because you've been there. You can be proof positive that someone can actually make it down the difficult road they are walking.

But we can also help and come alongside someone without having travelled their road. Sometimes we start the process best by just listening, engaging for a moment before rushing away to our next responsibility. Other times God might prompt you to think about someone you've not even thought about for some time. You'll need some margin in your life.

It really doesn't matter how you enter in to being the friend of a hurting person. The point is that you just do it. But you'll have to slow down some and be more aware. You will have to put yourself in places where that kind of connection can actually take place. You will have to change your thinking some about what things are most important in life.

But my sense is that once you do it a few times, you'll wonder why you've waited so long. In fact, you might just discover that those interludes are the kinds of moments you've been waiting for and that you've never felt more alive.

Sometimes We Need To Encourage Ourselves

The other day our almost 2 and 1/2 year old grandson was doing something that his parents were trying to teach him to do - draw, pick up after himself, something like that, I don't remember. However, at one point he just turned to the rest of us and said, "Good job me."

Of course we all laughed because he was so unbelievably cute at that moment.

But it made me think that now and then we probably need to say the same things about ourselves especially when we've taken some major steps up our personal mountain. No, I'm not talking about being blatantly arrogant or obnoxiously self-centered.

However, there is a place for "good job me" now and then. Why?

First of all, sometimes we don't get many strokes from other people. Whether we're overcoming cancer or a crevasse we may not have many people around us who verbally encourage us to keep going. People are often caught up in their own struggle or just don't think about how we might need a kind word or two.

Second, we're going to face a lot of negative thoughts and responses on our journey. We need some positive feedback and that can include our own. We need to be reminded now and then that we truly have made some progress.

Third, many of us don't think much of our abilities so a good word from us helps to reshape our view of ourselves and motivate us on to higher heights. Sometimes we may need to remind ourselves of the way God and others really think of us and now and then it doesn't hurt to say it ourselves.

So what might our self-talk look or sound like? It should be simple, honest, short and sweet. Don't spend hours talking about you or you will become arrogant. Just a simple, Way to go, Don, might be enough. You might write it down in a journal so you have some moments to go back and savor. It sometimes helps to have a phrase that you regularly say to yourself over and over. Come up with one that is memorable and helpful to you.

Whatever you do, don't let some sort of misguided humility keep you from saying a few words to yourself that could change your outlook on life and your circumstances.  Yes, don't be afraid to talk to yourself. It really has some pretty major benefits and will help you get to the top.

Words: Three Things NOT To Say To A Hurting Person

Most people mean well when they encounter others climbing personal mountains and facing challenging times. We so badly want their pain to go away and for things to be better soon. Unfortunately, their mountains are often large, looming and unwilling to budge. The people we want to help the most may have a long climb ahead of them even with the best efforts to assist coming from us and others.

So we have to be careful that we don't just spout off some innocuous or unhelpful platitudes that in the end can add to their hurt and discouragement rather than be beneficial.

Let me suggest three of those statements that are common but that we must also avoid.

First don't say, "Things will get better soon."  They might improve, we can pray that they do, but there are no guarantees. The person or family may actually have a long journey before them. Don't try to somehow pretend that they don't.

Second, avoid speaking for God. There are certainly biblical and godly truths that can be appropriate down the road but be careful not to make suggestions that you know what God is thinking at the moment. For example, when people lose a loved one, some have said, "Well, God needed Jason in Heaven more than He needed him here."  Really? God never said that as far as I know.

And don't imply that God somehow caused their problems to teach them a lesson. We don't know that either.

Third, never suggest that you really understand their situation. No you don't. You may be able to identify with the person in some way and sharing that at some point can be appropriate. But we will never totally understand what they are going through. Their journey is unique.

What's the best thing we can do, especially quite soon after a tragedy or challenge has hit someone?  Listen. Listen to their story, their fears and their feelings. I was in Bastrop, Texas a few days ago just talking to and praying with people who had lost so much in major brush fires. One lady said it all . . . "It's just good to be able to talk about it."  Usually when it comes to our words to a hurting person less is more.