Hurting People Often Just Need a Friend

This last week my wife and I were at our daughter's home helping watch her kids while she and her husband oversaw their move to a new house. Sometime during the weekend I was sitting by myself when my three and a half year old grandson, Liam, came up to me and said, "Do you need a friend to play with?"

I wonder how many hurting people all around us just need a friend to play with, someone to listen, to just be there, pray with them or share their hurt for a while.

My hunch is that those people are everywhere . . . in the coffee shop, at work, school, in the seat nearby us at church and in our neighborhood. Of course, we can't be there for all of them but maybe we can hone in or be available for just one. And maybe we don't even become their friend but just act like one for a short time.

In an ideal world, that person would be someone whose journey is similar to one you've made. You've had the cancer, the divorce, the struggling child or the three kids under three. You can't solve their problem or make it go away but you can tell them that there is hope up the trail because you've been there. You can be proof positive that someone can actually make it down the difficult road they are walking.

But we can also help and come alongside someone without having travelled their road. Sometimes we start the process best by just listening, engaging for a moment before rushing away to our next responsibility. Other times God might prompt you to think about someone you've not even thought about for some time. You'll need some margin in your life.

It really doesn't matter how you enter in to being the friend of a hurting person. The point is that you just do it. But you'll have to slow down some and be more aware. You will have to put yourself in places where that kind of connection can actually take place. You will have to change your thinking some about what things are most important in life.

But my sense is that once you do it a few times, you'll wonder why you've waited so long. In fact, you might just discover that those interludes are the kinds of moments you've been waiting for and that you've never felt more alive.

Watch Out For The Hidden Fees in Life

We were recently booking airfares with a discount airline that will remain nameless. However, while their fares looked extremely reasonable, significantly better than the others we were considering, we discovered that there was an extra fee for most everything.

You paid extra for a carry-on or if you didn't check that carry-on in online before the flight. You paid extra if you wanted to book a seat ahead of time and even more if you wanted a special seat of any kind. There was a whole page of extra fees listed on their website.  When it was all said and done their prices weren't that much less at all.

The same can be true in life and especially as we climb our personal mountains or face challenges. Certain people and experiences come with extra fees that can take their toll and cost us even more than we planned on.

For example, some people who appear to want to be helpful to us are not. They call us too much, they want to tell us how to fix our problems and in reality they want to help us more for their benefit than ours. Their helping us becomes more of a burden than a joy. They come with hidden fees.

Or, making big decisions at the wrong time can be costly. We sometimes make large purchases, switch jobs or move somewhere else while we're hurting badly.  It feels good at the time and perhaps dulls the pain for a while, but most experts say that we should save those big events for at least a year or two after a major loss or challenge. They too will likely have extra costs, often emotional ones, that we didn't anticipate.

We also likely pay a price when we isolate ourselves too much. We think that no one wants to be around us or that we don't have anything to offer others because of what we've been through. Actually the opposite is true. We often have much to give simply because we have been down a road that others have not. We may be able to provide them with counsel and encouragement that they need for their journey. Other people (except for the kind mentioned above) can remind us that life does go on and that we do still have a place.

Living life alone usually brings more hardship and challenge not less.

So, like a lot of purchases we might make, watch out for the hidden fees in everyday living. Make sure you've counted the cost as the Bible suggests and looked into the implications of your decisions or relationships before you get in too deep. Save your precious emotional resources for a better day.

Sometimes Climbing Through Life Can Get Lonely

Lots of people suffer through tragedy. Most of us probably have. Thankfully in most cases friends and family run to our side to help, to listen, to encourage and help us walk through the early days of our pain. They help us prepare for the funeral, the job change, the move or some other new circumstances.

However, before too long those people are gone or least far less present. They must return to their world, their job, their life. But our hurt continues, our new world will possibly be with us for the rest of our lives. At times it even makes us mad that the people around us just carry on with life as though nothing happened.

It's during these times that we must make a commitment to stay healthy, to keep moving and to heal especially when a lot of our support system is gone.

Let me suggest a couple of important steps we must take. Get counseling. Find someone you trust, a therapist, pastor, counselor or whoever who you will continue to talk to openly about your struggle. They know how to listen, advise, encourage and care. And they will make time for it. We can't expect others to drop everything and continue to stay as close to us as they were during the early days of our struggle.

Second, keep some sort of other relationships going in your life. No, you probably won't be able to do everything and in fact you probably should not. However, don't become a loner. Have some people over or accept and invitation or two. Know your limits and be OK with them but find time to be with people. Keep a friend or two close.

Third, think about a way to serve someone else. Again, big, new projects are not probably wise at this point. But you can do something small, something simple to help someone else. Your church or community organization probably has a place you can volunteer or there may be a neighbor or friend who needs you to do something simple for them right now.

Accept the fact that people are going to desert you at some point, not to be mean or unkind but rather because life must go on for them. But life must continue for you, too, even if it is at a slower pace for awhile. Keep moving, never quit climbing.  There is still more for you to see and do higher up the mountain.

Life Reminders After 8 Days In the Mountains

Jackie and I just returned from some much needed rest and hiking in the Rockies. We were away only a little over a week but we found ourselves seeing once again how many things about life the high places teach us. Here are a view worth re-visiting.

First, you'll miss a lot if you succumb to only taking the easy option. Our hikes weren't nearly as extensive or challenging as some might do, but there were a couple of days when we wondered if we should push ourselves too hard. "Why go to THAT lake up another couple of miles when we could stay right here and enjoy this scenery?"

But each time we went beyond our preconceived limits we realized what we would have missed staying put. Mountain views, animal life and sunsets were just a few of the rewards. What a mistake it would have been to just remain comfortable.

Second, life is a lot about relationships with people. Along the trail we met a wide variety of individuals and families. Sometimes we took each other's pictures, other times we talked a little bit about where we were from. A group even found an extra lens that Jackie accidentally dropped from her good camera. We would never have found it without them.

Another young girl asked to borrow our sunscreen. We told each other about mountain goat sightings. While we relished the peace and quiet that we often had, we also loved the meaningful, authentic and spontaneous interaction with fellow climbers.

Third, there is more to life and creation than what we see everyday. Sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone to be reminded of the greatness and majesty of the world all around us. The beauty of a flower, the power of a 50 mph wind and the size of a 14000' peak all spoke volumes to us about a greatness beyond ourselves and a Creator who made and controls it all.

Finally, the beaten path is rarely the most memorable one.  Rarely did we or others rave about what they saw in a local restaurant, on TV in the condo or their drive from out of state. The greatest stories were told about situations and places people had never been before or which had at least pushed them beyond their normal limits.

While you may be going up a trail that is challenging and beyond your usual scope of life, embrace it as a different climb, one with the potential to teach you lessons like the ones we learned this week.

Climb on.

Who Do You Have Around You During Your Challenges?

If you use the computer at all you have received a warning at some point that sounds a little like this: Make sure that all attachments you open are from a worthy or reliable source.  And there's good advice there because attachments in the cyberspace world can cause lots of damage to an otherwise fine computer, right?

Well, the same is true when it comes to relationships, especially during our times of struggle, when we're climbing through life on a very steep path. We need to be careful about those we attach ourselves to or we'll find that they take more from us than they give.

Who are those potentially dangerous, life-draining people?

The first may be a close relative. Now of course, we need family and great family members can be a wonderful encouragement and practical help through our illness, grieving or other life struggle. But often those closest to us can also be more of a burden than a help. The one who constantly wants to fix us or take care of us inappropriately or tell us what to do all the time. You must be willing to ask them to back off and see that they take up less and less of your time and thinking.

Another may be a fellow climber. The person who has been where you've been can be a tremendous help because they often understand what you've been through. However, sometimes they too think they are now an "expert" on your issues and they think they should become your mentor, colleague and confidante about all things related to your climb.

A third may be a so-called expert. Your doctor, pastor, priest, psychologist and the like all have the potential to offer significant expertise and care but they too can become your "god," the one you worship and follow no matter what they say.

You get the idea. Yes, we must glean as much as we can from people who can bring wisdom, insight and passion to us when we need it most. But we must also be careful to not let these and others end up causing more angst and stealing more energy from us through their inappropriate and unwise counsel and demands.  When it's all said and done, your best decisions will come from those you make with the counsel of God.

Remember, only reliable attachments should be opened!

Fellow Climbers Are People Too

I was walking through a mall the other day and noticed that all the mannequins in the stores were faceless.  I guess I've seen that before but it struck me differently this time for some reason.

Apparently the store owners want us to focus on the clothing so the designers simply take away anything on the face that would attract our eyes there.  Makes sense if you're selling a product.

However, climbers of rock or life's challenges are people. They do have faces . . . and stories, hurts and joys. They're all different but they're all real. And they need us to look them in the eye, treat them as humans and at least try to touch their soul in some way.  And we need them too.

I've always appreciated the men and women I've met on trails and climbs.  For the most part they stop and talk, offer you a suggestion or advice and even share their supplies with you if you need them. Some are average looking while others are the unique climber-types that they are.

You see people are people and we probably know that. But sometimes we tend to think of and describe people by their mountain instead of who they are. She's the woman with cancer, he's the alcoholic, she's the lady grieving or he's the guy whose wife is splitting up with him.

When we see our fellow climbers as humans we make the mountain secondary to our relationship with them. We talk to them, we listen, we engage them about their journey but we don't allow the journey to become our only focus.

We hurt with them but we also celebrate the successes.  We speak of deeper things like faith, peace, the unknowns and our dreams. We remind each other that life is really about connection with each other and the God who made us. And when we do that we'll see faces again.