The Black Holes That Tend to Defeat Us

I'm not much of a scientist. Ok, I'm not at all a scientist. I hated biology, struggled with chemistry and almost failed physics. But I have heard of black holes in space. And while I'm sure they are complicated essentially their strong gravitational pull drags everything around them into them. In fact the term black hole is now used in everyday language to describe anything that continually consumes resources, time or energy.

Unfortunately, there are lots of everyday black holes in life that particularly hinder those of us who are climbing, climbing our own personal mountains, trying to overcome big-time challenges and the like.

Let me suggest a few as a warning and to perhaps help you separate yourself from one or more that are holding you back.

There is the black hole of your past. The things that were said about you, the disappointments you had, the goals you never reached or the failures you experienced. They  have a way of sucking the life out of us so that we never try anything, stay stuck in a dead end job or continually just dull our pain.

There is the black hole of denial.  There are things you need to face, deal with, change and admit but you keep looking the other way never wanting to face your own culpability, weaknesses and flaws.

There is the black hole of blame. In your denial, you spend much of your time blaming other people.  If only they hadn't acted or spoken a certain way your life would be so much different. And maybe that's true but your continued blame of them has you paralyzed. There are things you could do, make better and change about your thinking but your focus on others keeps you stuck.

There is the black hold of comfort. Changing, improving, overcoming and getting to the summit all require work and you're pretty comfortable where you are. You're like the people who stop at the chalet going up the mountain to have some hot chocolate and rest. The problem is they like it there so much they quit climbing and never go any further.

Do you see the problem with black holes?  They are the kind of thing that keep sucking life, energy, hope and peace out of us. Maybe you have different ones than those I've described. Face them and then destroy them. They have no right to run your life or stop your progress. Ask God to give you insight, wisdom and strength to keep going.

The black holes in space are probably there to stay but yours can be gone if you'll just demand it.

Watch Out For Loose Rock When Life Climbing

If you've done any hiking or climbing in certain parts of the Colorado Rockies, you know that loose rock or what is called scree, talus or just rotten rock can abound. It's difficult and dangerous. From feeling like you are taking two steps back for every three forward to literally hurling down a mountain to one's death on it, this common hazard in the mountains is not to be taken lightly.

We were just in Aspen this summer and did some hiking up by the Maroon Bells. Interestingly there is a sign near the beginning of the summit trails that warns hikers and climbers that these peaks are extremely dangerous. One of the reasons is the bad rock that can get people into places they can't get safely down from later.

And while it's also found in numerous other climbing spots in varying forms, there can be loose rock in our life climbing too, situations that can cause us great pain and injury if we don't avoid them. Let me suggest a few.

Making decisions too soon after a death or other loss. Many people want to soothe their pain and think that a new relationship, move to a different home or job change will make them feel better. While there are a few exceptions those big decisions too early often lead to greater heartache and an avoidance of truly dealing with one's grief.

Turning a pleasure or normal action into an addiction. Another form of painkilling is when in our pain we decide to drink more, buy more, work more, study more or whatever more. While these things, not necessarily bad in and of themselves, can help us feel better for a while, they too can be destructive to us and our family. They take us away from the things that would help us most to move on in healthy ways.

Not letting others help us on our journey. Climbers will usually tell you that climbing alone is filled with dangerous possibilities. The same is true in life. The whole world doesn't need to know every particle of our emotional journey but someone does, someone other than another hurting person in our home or family who has little left in their tank. Instead, find a counselor, pastor, friend, group or mentor who will walk with you for a time. Their listening ear and perspectives will help you keep your eyes on the trail and avoid some of the other rotten rock you might encounter.

So climb on. The best way to avoid loose rock is to not go near it in the first place.

Things To Avoid When The Worst Happens

By now we've all heard about the terrible shooting, loss of life and injury that took place at a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado. Lots of lives, though able to be helped and healed, will still never be the same. Some loved ones will never come back and memories of that night will linger in many minds for years to come.

Typically many of us have never experienced the shock and intense pain of a sudden accident, death or other tragedy. So our first response is to try to quickly reduce the hurt for those impacted or ourselves. We probably want to help deep down inside but, sadly, when we do that we tend to hurt more and either delay the healing to come or make it more difficult.

So let me suggest some things, words and responses to stay away from when we or someone we know has faced one of life's trainwrecks or disasters.

First, don't offer simplistic answers. Some of them can be religious  in nature. God meant for this to happen or God needed your little girl in Heaven more. 

Others might have political overtones. This is the fault of all those Tea Party nuts or those liberals who want to get rid of all our laws. A third group of responses are probably more heartfelt but just as unhelpful: Everything's going to be fine or it's going to all work out in the end or they're in a better place now.

Second, a related warning is, don't minimize what happened. Of course be sensitive to how much they can hear right now. But the events in Aurora, for example, were the result of an evil, terrible person. To talk about it as a mere tragedy or their loved one happening to just be in the wrong place at the wrong time waters down their loss.

Third, don't talk too much. And even if we avoid some of the above poor answers we can just keep talking to hurting people because we feel awkward and terrible when everything is quiet. But a simple, Hey, I'm here for you and ready to listen when you feel like talking. The better option over talking is to just be there for them. Your presence will matter as much as anything.

Fourth, don't dominate their time and do not let others overdo their welcome either. Often people want to rush to the hurting person not thinking that there are probably dozens of others thinking the same thing. It's OK to tell friends that the person isn't ready for a lot of visitors yet but has their needs being met right now.  And if we're one of those close friends we need to be sure to give our loved ones permission to ask us to leave and give them time alone.   Better yet we should move on before they need to ask us.

I hope most of us never face anything as disastrous (and evil) as Aurora or Columbine or Oklahoma City. But most of us will have to face a huge loss with someone we know and love. Let's be sure we are prepared to help them walk through that hard time with love, true care and kindness.

Don't Park Where You Don't Belong

Have you seen those parking spaces labeled, For compact cars only? The problem is there are almost always large sized cars parked there. People see a space so they fill it.
The problem is the car doesn't fit and it keeps other people from parking safely.

In the same way, we can sometimes grab the first spot we see in life thinking that it's a good place to be and it's not. Our circumstances and situation don't fit and as a result we're miserable.

For example, others tell us it's time to move forward so we believe them and think we should be able to do what they tell us. Or others tell us we're going too fast so we slow down when we're actually ready to make some progress. You see their idea of a parking spot isn't necessarily what will work for us.

Or, someone else handles their grief or depression or loss a particular way so we just blindly follow their lead. That is usually a disaster. Our road and journey are unique and while we can learn from others we dare not try to simply imitate them.

Our car doesn't fit their space!

So, as you climb your personal mountain remember that your way of scaling it can and must be unique. You never need to do things the way other do or park your car in their space. It usually won't work but it's OK. Be yourself even during the challenging times of life. It will make your climb that much easier.